Thanksgiving may be the time to begin a family discussion about favorite family items and wishes for the future. The holidays may be a time for thanks and reflection, but it may also be a time to ask your father to consider leaving you his favorite t-shirt or his service medals to avoid a family rift in the future.
Your “stuff” may come with various memories, and emotions will differ among your family members. Disharmony among adult siblings often comes at emotional times, such as the loss of a parent or the downsizing of your family home.
My client Maria’s story is a poignant example of how deeply personal items can stir emotions and old rivalries. After her father’s passing, Maria and her brothers, who never had a close relationship, found themselves in a heated dispute over a seemingly mundane item: the family bible. This bible, however, was more than just a book; it symbolized years of memories and unspoken feelings.
One night, Maria received a call from Wendy, a neighbor, who had seen her brother taking items from their father’s home. This act, which might have seemed trivial to an outsider, touched a nerve in Maria. It wasn’t just about the bible; it was about the years of unresolved emotions that resurfaced in that moment.
The battle over the family bible quickly escalated, bringing to light the deep-seated feelings of grief, frustration, and resentment that the siblings had been harboring. The Bible became a symbol of their father’s legacy and the emotional ties each sibling had to him. This conflict over “stuff” is not uncommon in families, especially during emotionally charged times like the loss of a parent.
While my clients often prepare a list of assets such as homes, bank accounts, and investment accounts to pass to their heirs, what is usually missing are the personal items that, while not expensive, are priceless for their sentimental value. Often these items will cause conflicts between children who feel the asset division was unfair.
Create a Fair Division Strategy
I remember the remarkable way my sister, cousins, and I divided my grandma’s tea sets and tchotchkes “stuff.” We went around a circle, each picking one piece after another. The process was emotional as we discussed each item and different memories of our loving grandmother.
Since fairness means different things to different people, the processes of drawing lots, letting people pick in birth order, or devising something else to divide is valuable. What’s important is to follow the chosen strategy.
Even if you’re irritated that one sibling got what you wanted, if you agree to the division strategy, you may be okay with the outcome vs. angry like Maria, whose brothers came in late at night to “clean out” the house.
A software tool called “FairSplit” helps families divide assets. According to the website, the “system helps move all parties toward agreement and lets each party know that the system provides them a fair and equitable way to divide. FairSplit helps divide things, not families.”
Sometimes the best strategy is the simplest one: Ask people what they want ahead of time. Many women enjoy gifting jewelry to grown children to see it worn and appreciated. Or, they may say they do not want any of your stuff! By having these conversations and planning ahead, families can avoid conflicts and cherish their shared memories.
